WWII jokes

[corderex]

A Military History of France
(Part I)

Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three "ties" in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough , which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

Stay tuned for Part deux!

cheers

[corderex]

A Military History of France
(Part II)

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French gene pool.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

[Michael N. Ryan]

From World War One this Joke might be relavent.

An old woman in Ireland wrote her husband serving in the British Army in France. "I don't have any strength anymore, I can't dig up the garden to plant potatoes this season".


He immediately replied, "Good Thing, that's where our guns are".

She responded soon after with this despatch, "Darling, some Policemen came to our house the other day, said they were looking for guns, they dug up the whole garden but they couldn't find a thing".

His immediate reply, "Now you plant the potatoes".

[ramon]

Hitler, Mussolini and Chamberlain are in a boat in the middle of a lake fishing.

Mussolini becomes impatient and jumps in the lake and scoops up his catch of fish by hand.

Chamberlain just sits and patiently pays out his line and awaits a bite.

Hitler stands up and orders the lake to be drained. Soon the fish are stranded and are just waiting to be picked up. Hitler is asked why he just stands there and watches the fish without bothering to gather them in. He calmly replies, "they have to beg me first".

This was a joke circulating in Germany around the time of the Munich Crisis.

[corderex]

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...

"Tankety Tank Tank."

[max painless]

unrelated.....



.......Jesus walks into an Inn and says to the innkeeper, "I have 3 nails, will you put me up for the night?"

[Laurent Daniel]

I received from an Australian friend a nasty joke about 2 French paratroopers seconded to the SAS for special training. To punish him, I reversed it and decided to put it on line here:

Syria, October 1941.
The 13 DBLE, 13th brigade of the French Foreign Legion is stationed in Homs as part of the Free French Forces of De Gaulle. The Legion is supposed to join the OoB of Montgomery in Lybia. To facilitate liaison, 2 Australian NCO’s are send to them for training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Hi, Peter," asks one,” “How have you been doing?"

"Holy cow!" answers Peter. "I have had a most terrible day. Horrible! At six this morning, I was woken up by this big hairy sergeant. He dragged me out of bed and on to the parade ground."

"And then what happened?" inquires his mate.

"I will tell you what happened! He made me climb up this silly little platform five feet off the ground and then he said "You rosbif, jurmp!"

“And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told him "I am an Australian paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneath my dignity."

"And then what happened?" asks his mate.

"Then he made me climb up this silly little platform ten feet off the ground, and he said "Joump!"

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told him - "I am an Australian paratrooper. It is beneath my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What happened then?" asks his mate.

"Then he made me climb up this rickety platform a hundred feet above the parade ground. He undid his trousers, took out his enormous willy, and he said: "If you no jurmp, I stick zis right urp your burm.".

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jump?"

"A little, at the beginning" came the reply.

No offense, you obviously can reverse it back to the 2 French troopers seconded to the SAS

[Ada]

I had joke that already exist...

[Schrÿnen]

heheh very funny:D tankety tank tank...:D
Got one here :
At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...
oohh..check out the stand up comedian eddie izzard, he's got funny ways to talk about wars, dictators etc...brilliant guy.

[TPMM]

Again about French Army:

Military museum. Description of a French carabine from 1940 campain: "Never fired, dropped once".

[Schrÿnen]

HAHAH!

[Potsdamerplatz]

I lost my grandfather at Stalag Luft III. He got drunk one night and fell out the watch tower.

[haen2]

An old German General, married a 20 year old bombshell.
9 months later he went into his officers club and announced the birth of a son.
A fellow, also old, general said; that reminds me of a hunting trip I once went on in Africa.
I was going for a short walk, and all I had with me was my umbrella against the sun.
Suddenly I got confronted by a huge Lion.
I did not hestate , pointed my umbrella at him and yelled "bang !!!"
The Lion fell dead.
he paused and added; "there was a guy with a real gun behind me".
HN

[Luftman129]

Lol, good one, HN. That gave me a chuckle

Thanks,
Chris

[Bleak December]

Here's another Frenchie one:

Q: How can you tell apart French soldiers from American soldiers?
A: The French soldiers have sun-burned armpits.

-------------------------

Q: Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide?
A: He finally got his gas bill.

-------------------------

This is a humorous story told to me from a man who was in the French Resistance...I don't know if it's true or not, but I found it funny:

With the German occupation in France during WWII, high ranking German officers were spending the night in private homes as requisitioned by the Werhmacht.

It just so happen a German Colonel was assigned to the home of a Catholic widow who had a parrot to keep her company. The only words the parrot could say was "mort aux Boches" (expression for expressing "Death for the kraut") as this was a fairly common statement in the country.

The first evening, the colonel came in, the parrot screeched "Mort aux Boches, Mort aux Boches" This really upset the officer as he understood French quite well.

The same situation happened the following 2 or 3 days and the officer became angrier. Finally, one morning, he said to the lady: "If I hear this again tonight, you and your parrot will be executed".

Quite disturbed about the issue, the lady went to consult her priest during the day. He came with a very interesting solution as follows:

I have a parrot that looks very similar to yours. We will trade birds. Mine will never make such an aggressive statement, but promote the word of God whenever needed. The officer will not notice the difference, and so they did exchanged birds during the day.

In the evening when the officer came in, the parrot stayed silent. The officer approached it, and in a fit of rage, shook the cage, demanding, "Say Mort aux Boches! Say Mort aux Boches!"

The parrot then said, "Son, God hears you and will fulfill your wishes".

___________________

Also, here's a link to a funny WWII joke. It's a retelling of WWII if it happened on MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game...basically, a teenage computer game where they can't spell and battle each other). Don't go here if you might get offended by the profanity used (and the frightfully bad spelling).

It's pretty funny, though.
http://www.4guysfromviewpoint.com/?p=76