But I really hope that stays as a joke. 
Jokes
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Tom Houlihan
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street
in the old central part of town"
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I! And
may I ask, to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. I thought you
looked familiar. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me ownself."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a l o n g night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street
in the old central part of town"
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I! And
may I ask, to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. I thought you
looked familiar. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me ownself."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a l o n g night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Waleed Y. Majeed
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Laurent Daniel
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Eastern Front, Pomerania, February 1945.
Taking advantage of a peaceful night, 2 volunteers of the 33 Waffen-Grenadier Division der SS "Charlemagne" (Franz.Nr.1), Untersturmführer Dupont and Standartenoberjunker Durand, set up their tent and go to sleep, at last.
Few hours later, Dupont wakes up Durand and asks:
- Tell me, what do you see in the sky?
- Many stars.
- Yep, and what does it means?
The Standartenoberjunker thinks about it for a while and says:
“Well, at first glance, it should be about 4 a.m.
From a meteorological aspect, I think that the weather will be fine tomorrow.
About Astronomy, it is obvious that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars. We will never know them all.
That infinity of space reminds us of the Power of God and imposes humility on us.
Concerning astrology, Aquarius is in Saturn”
Then, realising that Untersturmführer Dupont is staring at him in a strange way, he stops and asks:
- Hey, I have said something wrong?
- Yes, you dumb donkey, it only means that our tent has been stolen.
Taking advantage of a peaceful night, 2 volunteers of the 33 Waffen-Grenadier Division der SS "Charlemagne" (Franz.Nr.1), Untersturmführer Dupont and Standartenoberjunker Durand, set up their tent and go to sleep, at last.
Few hours later, Dupont wakes up Durand and asks:
- Tell me, what do you see in the sky?
- Many stars.
- Yep, and what does it means?
The Standartenoberjunker thinks about it for a while and says:
“Well, at first glance, it should be about 4 a.m.
From a meteorological aspect, I think that the weather will be fine tomorrow.
About Astronomy, it is obvious that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars. We will never know them all.
That infinity of space reminds us of the Power of God and imposes humility on us.
Concerning astrology, Aquarius is in Saturn”
Then, realising that Untersturmführer Dupont is staring at him in a strange way, he stops and asks:
- Hey, I have said something wrong?
- Yes, you dumb donkey, it only means that our tent has been stolen.
Regards
Daniel Laurent
Daniel Laurent
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Victor1234
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are having a beer each at a pub. A fly lands in the Englishman's beer, he pushes it away and orders a new one. A fly lands in the Irishman's beer, he takes the fly out and drinks it anyway. A fly lands in the Scotsman's beer, he picks up the fly and yells "Spit it out ye wee bastard!!!".
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Helmut Von Moltke
I have a pretty lame one : An evil wizard casts a virus into a piece of paper. When a guy reads the paper, the magic virus copies automatically in his eyes. When he looks at the computer, the magic virus transfers from his eyes onto the computer, the computer then, with the virus, hacks into the guy's email address, and the computer makes the email send the magic virus to everyone computer in the world. Sorry guys if that was stupid, some weirdo I know named James made it up!
: An evil wizard casts a virus into a piece of paper. When a guy reads the paper, the magic virus copies automatically in his eyes. When he looks at the computer, the magic virus transfers from his eyes onto the computer, the computer then, with the virus, hacks into the guy's email address, and the computer makes the email send the magic virus to everyone computer in the world. Sorry guys if that was stupid, some weirdo I know named James made it up! 
Dude, anti semitic/racist posts would get you banned on this forum.-
Laurent Daniel
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A catholic priest and a rabbi are used to cross each other everyday, riding their bicycle on their way to work.
One morning, the priest is walking. The rabbi asks him:
- Your bicycle has been stolen?
- Alas, yes!
Few days later, the priest is back on his bicycle.
The rabbi comments:
- Oh, you found it back!
- Yes, at my last preach in the Church, I commented the 10 commandments and when I reached "Do not steal", a young man stands up crying and turned me back my bicycle.
Few days later, it's the turn of the rabbi to walk:
- You see, me also, someone stole my bicycle.
- You should try the 10 commandments!
Then, again few days later, the rabbi is back on his bicycle and pass by the priest:
- Hey, the thief turned it back, said the priest.
- Well, not really. I also tried the 10 commandments and, when I reached "Do not commit adultery", I remembered where I parked it.
One morning, the priest is walking. The rabbi asks him:
- Your bicycle has been stolen?
- Alas, yes!
Few days later, the priest is back on his bicycle.
The rabbi comments:
- Oh, you found it back!
- Yes, at my last preach in the Church, I commented the 10 commandments and when I reached "Do not steal", a young man stands up crying and turned me back my bicycle.
Few days later, it's the turn of the rabbi to walk:
- You see, me also, someone stole my bicycle.
- You should try the 10 commandments!
Then, again few days later, the rabbi is back on his bicycle and pass by the priest:
- Hey, the thief turned it back, said the priest.
- Well, not really. I also tried the 10 commandments and, when I reached "Do not commit adultery", I remembered where I parked it.
Last edited by Laurent Daniel on Sat Apr 29, 2006 1:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Regards
Daniel Laurent
Daniel Laurent
Did I miss something? Can't see anything overtly racist here unless Tom has already got rid of it. I see the old English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh set up, but as a (more or less) Welshman I don't find these offensive.Racist jokes are not acceptable, even if they don't make any sense.
HvM's 'joke' is just incomprehensible and not a joke as I understand the term
Daniel's Eastern Front 1945 joke is interesting in that in another guise (featuring Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson) it was voted the funniest joke in the world by viewers of Sky TV
Just proves that there is no such thing as an old joke, just people who haven't heard it yet.Regards
Howard
Howard
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Tom Houlihan
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Howard, I already removed the offending bit.
As for Daniel's joke, I've heard it before, but not quite the same way. That reflects
As for Daniel's joke, I've heard it before, but not quite the same way. That reflects
Most of us can handle being the butt of a joke once in a while, I have no problem with that. There is a limit, though.there is no such thing as an old joke, just people who haven't heard it yet.
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Tom Houlihan
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A medical school professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood a bit.
Pointing to a young woman in the first row he said, "What do you think your
*sshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"
Without blinking an eye she replied, "Golfing with his buddies."
Golf, anyone??
Pointing to a young woman in the first row he said, "What do you think your
*sshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"
Without blinking an eye she replied, "Golfing with his buddies."
Golf, anyone??