Jokes
Moderator: Commissar D, the Evil
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Alex Coles
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Helmut Von Moltke
Can you translate please? thanksNordwest wrote:Im Sommer 1934 gingen Hitler, Göring und Göbbels spazieren. Auf einer Parkbank finden sie das Brevier eines katholischen Geistlichen. Als Hitler das Buch aufschlägt, liest er auf dem Vorsatzblatt folgende Eintragungen:
1.) Gott erhalte unseren Führer Adolf Hitler.
2.) Gott erhalte unseren Ministerpräsidenten Herman Göring.
3.) Gott erhalte unseren Minister Joseph Göbbels.
"Sieh an", meint Hitler, "sogar unter dem katholischen Klerus gibt es volksbewußte Deutsche!"
Dann blättert er weiter und ließt auf der Rückseite des Blattes:
4.) Gott erhalte unseren Führer der SA Ernst Röhm.
Und darunter in roter Tinte: Am 30.06.1934 bereits erhalten!
Michael
helmut
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Tom Houlihan
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- Location: MI, USA
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In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f*cking wall."
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f*cking wall."
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Alex Coles
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- Location: England
Okay guys, here's Nordwest's joke for non-German speakers. The pun doesn't work so well in English, but I'll do my best:
In the summer of 1934 Hitler, Göring and Göbbels go for a walk. On a park bench they find a catholic priest's breviary. Hiteler opens the book and reads the follwoing entries on the flyleaf:
1.) God take care of our Führer Adolf Hitler.
2.) God take care of Ministerpräsident Herman Göring.
3.) God take care of Minister Joseph Göbbels.
"Look", says Hitler, "even in the catholic clergy there are 'nationally aware' Germans!"
Then our Fûhrer flicks a bit further through and finds this entry:
4.) God take care of the leader of the SA Ernst Röhm.
Beneath this in red ink is written: Taken care of on 30.06.1934!
In German erhalten has many meanings, including protect, preserve (as in the entries here) etc as well as receive. In UK slang at least take care of also has a meaning of to kill.
In the summer of 1934 Hitler, Göring and Göbbels go for a walk. On a park bench they find a catholic priest's breviary. Hiteler opens the book and reads the follwoing entries on the flyleaf:
1.) God take care of our Führer Adolf Hitler.
2.) God take care of Ministerpräsident Herman Göring.
3.) God take care of Minister Joseph Göbbels.
"Look", says Hitler, "even in the catholic clergy there are 'nationally aware' Germans!"
Then our Fûhrer flicks a bit further through and finds this entry:
4.) God take care of the leader of the SA Ernst Röhm.
Beneath this in red ink is written: Taken care of on 30.06.1934!
In German erhalten has many meanings, including protect, preserve (as in the entries here) etc as well as receive. In UK slang at least take care of also has a meaning of to kill.
Regards
Howard
Howard
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Commissar D, the Evil
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Helmut Von Moltke
lol, that priest must be supersticious to know that.......Howard wrote:Okay guys, here's Nordwest's joke for non-German speakers. The pun doesn't work so well in English, but I'll do my best:
In the summer of 1934 Hitler, Göring and Göbbels go for a walk. On a park bench they find a catholic priest's breviary. Hiteler opens the book and reads the follwoing entries on the flyleaf:
1.) God take care of our Führer Adolf Hitler.
2.) God take care of Ministerpräsident Herman Göring.
3.) God take care of Minister Joseph Göbbels.
"Look", says Hitler, "even in the catholic clergy there are 'nationally aware' Germans!"
Then our Fûhrer flicks a bit further through and finds this entry:
4.) God take care of the leader of the SA Ernst Röhm.
Beneath this in red ink is written: Taken care of on 30.06.1934!
In German erhalten has many meanings, including protect, preserve (as in the entries here) etc as well as receive. In UK slang at least take care of also has a meaning of to kill.
helmut
o
This old guy, wants to help save the fatherland and enlists in the armed forces.
It's towards the end of the war and everyting is in short supply.
They did not have a rifle for him, so he practiced with a broomstick.
Suddenly the Russians advanced and they were sent to the front.
I need a rifle, complained the old man.
His Sergeant says, Nah you don.t, just point your stick at the enemy. say out loud: rifle rifle, bang bang, and everything will be fine.
So he does, he points the stick, yells rifle rifle bang bang, and the enemies drop like flies.
Except for one big brute Russian. He just keeps coming and coming, no matter how many times the old man yells Rifle rifle, bang bang.
The big guy runs right into him knocks him to the ground, and when is walking over him, the old man heard him say:
Rumble rumble, Panzer panzer.
HN
It's towards the end of the war and everyting is in short supply.
They did not have a rifle for him, so he practiced with a broomstick.
Suddenly the Russians advanced and they were sent to the front.
I need a rifle, complained the old man.
His Sergeant says, Nah you don.t, just point your stick at the enemy. say out loud: rifle rifle, bang bang, and everything will be fine.
So he does, he points the stick, yells rifle rifle bang bang, and the enemies drop like flies.
Except for one big brute Russian. He just keeps coming and coming, no matter how many times the old man yells Rifle rifle, bang bang.
The big guy runs right into him knocks him to the ground, and when is walking over him, the old man heard him say:
Rumble rumble, Panzer panzer.
HN
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
War does not determine who is right,war determens who is left.
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Nordwest
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Waleed Y. Majeed
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- Joined: Tue Jan 21, 2003 6:34 am
- Location: 8200 - Denmark
Moms have Mother's Day, Dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
What do you call a 90 year old man who masturbates?
Miracle Whip
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO
How do you get a sweet little old lady to say f...?
Another little old lady yelling "BINGO!!"
Waleed
Palm Sunday
What do you call a 90 year old man who masturbates?
Miracle Whip
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO
How do you get a sweet little old lady to say f...?
Another little old lady yelling "BINGO!!"
Waleed
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Helmut Von Moltke
hi, one I got from a war movie called "The Last drop" about Allies trying to prevent Dutch treasure from being Taken to the Reich in an SS evacuation during "Market Garden". In it, 2 Allies paratroopers dress up as Waffen SS, and when they see SS Major Kessler,in charge of the treasure operation, they scream "Heil Hitler!" with a lamish Hitler salute and not done together properly. Kessler, who falls for the trick however, still says to as subordinate and points out about the 2 "That's why we're losing the war." LOL
helmut
helmut
