Humor in the Wehrmacht

General WWII era German military discussion that doesn't fit someplace more specific.
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der alte Landser
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:20 am

Yeah, the list is endless: Check the armor for soft spots, go sign out a blank adapter for the 25mm cannon, Test the shock absorbers on the tanks, make sure the guard shack is level, check to make sure the radios all are lubed with squelch grease, find the track pad adjuster, go get a B-1-RD.

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by Tom Houlihan » Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:32 am

BA-1100-N?

Prick E-7?

Sorry, didn't mean to take this so astray. It's just so funny!!!
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:03 am

I'll bet a bunch of guys went the commo shacks over the years looking for those BA-1100-Ns. It does sound like the nomenclature for a battery. Good stuff. Here are a few funny ones for today.

“Da Lacht der Soldat,” page 4, “Top Secret.”

As Friedrich der Große was preparing war plans, a curious adjutant asked whom the troop movements were directed against.

The King asked, “Can you keep a secret?”

The chamberlain replied with enthusiasm, “Absolutely, your majesty.”

“Well, that’s fine,” replied the king, “because I can, too.”




VB-Feldpost #4 page 71, “Bug Bites.”

Kanonier Krauthuber shows up at the field dressing station with a minor wound. The battalion surgeon looks him over, and discovers that Krauthuber's skin is covered with red spots.

The surgeon asks, “Do you know what all these red spots are, soldier?”

“Yes, sir,” replies the Kanonier. “Those are bug bites.”

“Well, have you done anything about them? Like cleaning your sleeping area?”

“I don’t have any time during the day, sir. We’re always busy on the guns.”

“Well, what about at night? You must have some time then to get rid of these bugs.”

“But sir, at night is when I’m trying to sleep.”





“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 62, “The Horse.”

A horse was sick. Kunze received orders from the Oberwachtmeister to give the horse some medicinal powder. Kunze asked how to administer the powder. The Oberwachtmeister grumbled, “It’s simple. You put the powder up in your palm, and when the horse opens his mouth, you blow it in.”

A half hour later, Kunze came back, his face swollen and eyes streaming with tears.

“Holy sh*# Kunze!” asked the Oberwachtmeister. “What did you do to yourself?”

"Nothing, Herr Oberwachtmeister," replied Kunze, "but the horse blew first."


“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 45, “To the Point.”

In the daily report of a Prussian unit was the following laconic notice: “Kanonier Krause checked a howitzer to see if it was loaded without following the correct procedures. It was. The funeral will take place tomorrow in dress uniform.”

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:11 am

This is off topic, but the best of all was checking the armor for soft spots. It worked every time. It went like this:

Give two new guys a piece of chalk and a ball peen hammer form the tool kit. Take the hammer and show them how to tap the sides of the track for soft spots. Then demonstrate it. Tell them to tap about every foot or so across and then down until they've got the whole side done. Every time they find a soft spot, draw a circle around it with chalk. Show them with the hammer what it sounds like for a good piece of armor, and then tap just the edge on the side of the track and tell them that's what it sounds like when they get a soft spot. Then let them have at it. It was amazing how many times that the whole side of the track was covered with chalk circles.

The other really funny one was checking the shock absorbers on the tanks. Every once in awhile, I'd look across the hardstand and see a guy hopping up and down on the hull of a tank. I'd think to myself, "Yep, I know what he's doing..."

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Sun Nov 01, 2009 9:26 am

“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 29, “Information.”

“Well, Karl,” says Grenadier Krawutschke to his Kamerad, “I just heard two juicy tidbits in the company office. One was good, and the other terrible. Which do you want to hear first?”

“The good news, of course!”

“We’re being transferred from the Ostfront to Italy.”

“Wow, that’s awesome! It’s the best thing I’ve heard in years! What was the bad news?”

“The part about leaving the Ostfront was wrong.”


“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 60, “Caution is the Word.”

Leutnant Schneidig had a reputation as a lady’s man. One morning, he had to report early for duty. He didn’t have the heart to wake the young lady who had spent the night with him. As Schneidig was leaving his quarters, his batman asked, “Herr Leutnant, should I offer the honored lady a cup of coffee and breakfast, or should I throw the pig out?”


“Lachendes Feldgrau”, page 87-88

Xaver, assistant field cook, was called into the company orderly room one day to see the first sergeant. An official telegram had arrived that Schütze Xaver Moßberger was the father of a healthy baby boy. Since this wasn’t the first such occurrence, the first sergeant felt compelled to recall Xaver’s previous sins.

“The same thing happened last year, Moßberger. How many illegitimate children do you have, anyway? You need to get married ASAP.”

Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!!”

“Well, what are you waiting on? When are you going to marry your girlfriend?”

Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel! But which one? I have three???”



“Ein Tornister voll Humor,” page 63, “Construction Battalion in Poland.”

Schorsch was assigned to a construction battalion in Poland. The work didn’t come easily to him, and one day, the Unteroffizer asked, “Schorsch, are you a pharmacist?”

“No, Herr Unteroffizer,” Schorsch replied, “Why do you ask?”

“Because you shovel exactly one pill bottle full of dirt every half hour.”

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Mon Nov 02, 2009 11:10 pm

VB-Feldpost #3 page 19, “Rudi serves Noodle Soup, by Ogefr. W. Kitte.”

My "Rudi" is second cook. At the field kitchen one day, the smell of noodle soup filled the air. The Hauptmann came by and asked, "That smells great! Is chow ready?"

My Rudi said it was and the Hauptmann requested a bowl. Rudi dished out the hot soup, and handed it over. Unfortunately, both of his thumbs were stuck deep in the soup. The Hauptmann chastised him with the words: "Rudi, you shouldn't be doing that."

My Rudi shot back: "But sir, it isn't that hot!"


VB-Feldpost #3 page 89-90, “The Prudent One.”

Somewhere in Africa in a rest position, it rained one night — no, it poured down. Everyone had to get out of their tents, and rescue themselves by climbing to any piece of ground that offered protection from the rising water. Everything was soaked, and the tents all stood half-submerged. Only the commander's tent was somewhat dry. The next morning at formation, everyone had something to say about the scary night; almost every soldier had equipment washed away or rendered unserviceable.

The commander scolded the man about the poor fieldcraft that led to the equipment losses. He was of the opinion that most of it could have been avoided by better siting of the tents. Then he asked if there was anyone whose tent hadn't gotten soaked.

As the soldiers looked around nervously, one man proudly raised his hand. "Hier, Herr Oberleutnant!"

"So," said the Oberleutnant, "where did you pitch your tent?"

"Me?" said the soldier somewhat sheepishly, "But Herr Oberleutnant, I never took it out of my pack. I slept in my vehicle!"

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Gunner K. is on fire!

Post by der alte Landser » Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:25 pm

“VB-Feldpost #3,” “Gunner K. is on fire!” by Oblt. Oskar Palwait.

The first sergeant was in the middle of reporting the battery status to the commander, when out of the back rank, someone yelled in alarm, “Herr Hauptmann, Gunner Karczelewsky is on fire!”

Karczelewsky was standing at attention in the second row. A trail of smoke coming from out of his left boot confirmed the report. As we all tried not to laugh while standing at attention, the following exchange took place between the commander and Gunner Karczelewsky:

Commander: “What is that smoke from, soldier?”

K.: Right before formation, I was smoking a cigarette, sir. I wasn’t able to throw it away.”

Commander: So you stuck the cigarette butt in your boot? Why didn’t you put it in your trouser pocket?”

K: “I did, sir, but the cigarette burned a hole through my pocket and then fell into my boot.”

Commander: “But, didn’t you put the cigarette out before placing it in your pocket?”

K.: “I didn’t have time, sir!”

The funniest part of it was that Karczelewsky stood there the entire time at the position of attention, a thin cloud of smoke floating up from his boot.
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Good Advice

Post by der alte Landser » Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:38 pm

“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 113, “Good Advice.”

Unteroffizier Müller was scheduled for surgery in the division hospital. Before leaving the Kompanie, Müller's buddy, the supply sergeant, gave him some practical advice: "Make sure if they take anything out, that they give you a hand receipt for it."

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Two Holes Tighter

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:58 pm

“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 103, “Two Holes Tighter.”

The artillery fire was coming hot and heavy, and the Landser were worried that morning chow wouldn't make it to the front lines. Bolle, a Berliner, simply adjusted his belt so it was two notches tighter. "What are you doing?" asked a Kamerad.

"I'm eating breakfast", answered Bolle.

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Sun Nov 08, 2009 2:26 pm

“VB-Feldpost #3,” page 52, “The Callout” by Uffz. Walter Herrmann.

Autumn 1941. The infantry marched on the Rollbahn to Leningrad. Gray, dust-covered forms marched silently toward their daily match objective. My Flak unit was positioned near the road to offer protection from air attacks. Now and again, we exchanged greetings with the infantrymen, who had already marched over 1000 kilometers as the crow flies in the wide expanses of the Soviet Union.

One day, a passing infantryman called out to us, “Hey, do you guys have a Meyer in your outfit?”

My Kamerad Meyer, who happened to be sitting next to me, jumped up excitedly, thinking that an old friend was asking for him. He replied, “Yes, here!”

“That’s nice,” said the infantryman drolly, “We’ve got two of them!!”

We seldom laughed as hard as we did on this day.


“VB-Feldpost #4,” pgs 29-30, “The Exact Reason.”

The Kompanie was back in the Heimat, and now – within reason – the soldiers were allowed on weekend pass. So, everybody quickly scribbled out requests. They went something like this:

Rank____Name_______________requests pass from_____to____: Reason_______

What were you supposed to write as the reason? “Family situation.” Or maybe, “To visit my sick aunt.” Or perhaps: “To visit my sick uncle.”

The Kompaniechef was not pleased. His motto was: “clarity and truthfulness.”

At final formation, he announced: “Alright men, listen up! If you are filling out a pass request, I expect you to put down the real reason; no more of these lame excuses. If I find out that somebody is falsifying their requests, their pass privileges will be revoked!”

Naturally, everybody understood. But on the next Friday, the whole Kompanie was flustered about what to put down on their requests. What was the truth, really? To go to the theater? To go bowling? Or to play Skat?

The only soldier who wasn’t worried was Private Platzhofer. He took his request form and wrote confidently as his reason: “Liesl Müller.” —

His request was approved.

(Below is the drawing accompanying this story. In the balloon is written "Urlaubsschein," which in this context means "pass authorization." In its' broader sense, it also means leave or furlough form.
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Tue Nov 10, 2009 9:16 am

Here are a couple of entries from the “Flieger ABC.” This was a Luftwaffe publication from 1942 that had a humorous lexicon of aviation-related terms.

Alte Tante/Old Auntie, page 74

With this time-honored name, we recognize not only the unmarried sisters of our parents, but also the good old, loyal JU-52.

Flier/Flieger, page 83

Mutation of the Homo Sapien that inhabits the air. Hates to do routine paperwork. Lives by the motto: “Pilots are a happy land, and breakfast is their favorite season of the year.” Fliers and their way of life are best demonstrated by the saying, “His parents were good people, but he joined the Luftwaffe anyway.” Without an airplane, the flier is a relatively harmless member of the mammalian class.

Flugleiter/Ground crew leader, page 84

Director of the flight preparation. Fire trucks and ambulances are his back drop. Is responsible for rolling out aircraft, and also overwatches the arrival of the so-called “aviators.” Most Flugleiter started as theater actors.

Heizer/Heater, page 88

Found in two-seat machines. Sits next to the real flier and tries to navigate. Also makes other odd hand-gestures. His true worth comes in as depicted in the film, “Flight Through a Winter Storm.”

Notlandung/Emergency Landing, page 97

When the machine is tired of flying, this method is used to get it back on the ground. (Note: Airfield not necessary) A first-class means of advertising the safety of flight, sure to excite the attention of local inhabitants. Guaranteed to attract anxious females. This landing method is best accomplished near houses with many daughters, or near mansions. Prior to the Notlandung, ensure that cameras are on-hand to capture the moment.

Organisieren/Requisitioning, page 98

Creative method of acquiring items of equipment, inventory, and other things. Rises to its height prior to hand-receipt inspections, equipment layouts, and just before the end of field exercises. Usually accomplished during hours of darkness, or when nobody is looking.

(The caption to the cartoon says: "Requisitioning: Best done in the dark.")
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Wed Nov 11, 2009 5:53 pm

Here are several more entries from the “Flieger ABC.” This was a Luftwaffe publication from 1942 that had a humorous lexicon of aviation-related terms.

Fallschirm/Parachute, page 83

A hygienically packaged product issued to fliers as a means of vertical personnel transport. Functions as a replacement for the regularly scheduled “down” elevator under certain circumstances. It is recommended to confirm that one actually possesses a parachute prior to the start of vertical personnel transport. Otherwise, the trip down could be quite fast and painful. If the parachute fails to open at any time, replacement is guaranteed.

Häschen/Little Bunny, page 87

Novice aviator. Needs protection and help, therefore is only allowed near aircraft when accompanied by an adult.

Kavalierstart/A Fast Takeoff, Page 90

Impressive launch into the atmosphere by climbing vertically as high as possible. Demonstrates to all females, especially unattached ones, that the pilot is dashing and fearless, at least to the point where he wipes out.(Note: See also "Wipe Out.")

Abschmieren/ Wipe Out, page 74

Has nothing to do with cleaning dirt from the windshield. Instead, this is understood by aviators as the point during the flight where the end starts. A proven method of arriving, sooner or later, in the hospital, or other associated institution. (Note: See also “Parachute”)

Rückenwind/Tailwind, page 103

Favorable meteorological phenomenon that delivers extra speed to the aircraft. Is best illustrated by the saying: “He blew through the place like a tailwind through a nursery.” Fliers themselves are the best example, because they maintain the highest speed with no worry about life or limb.

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:23 pm

“Lachendes Feldgrau,” pages 7-9, The Wet Overcoat

It was a stormy day, and the rain poured down, sleeting across the fields. Out in the middle of the storm, a Gefreiter picked his way across a sodden meadow. Hopping over ditches, and going around the mud puddles, he made his way toward the small French factory complex where the 3. Kompanie was billeted.

Standing under the eaves outside the factory gate stood Schütze Bick. He was one of those guys who couldn’t sleep at night unless they’d made 350 little bets during the day. As the Gefreiter approached, Bick called out, “Where are you heading, Kamerad? Bet you want to stop here and get warm first, huh?”

That didn’t sound bad to the Gefreiter. He entered the warmth of headquarters room, and gratefully accepted a cup of hot coffee. Holding his hands in front of the oven to warm them, he learned everything there was to know about the 3. Kompanie. For example, the Kompanie was supposed to move out in fourteen days, the Kompaniechef was a great guy, and they were expecting a new Spieß.

“What’s the name of the new Spieß," asked the Gefreiter.

“Krotzack,” replied Bick, “and with a new like that, bet that he’s a real piece of work? Bet we’ll show him a thing or two?”

The Gefreiter smiled. “So you think you’ll show him some stuff, huh? Like for example, those beer bottles under that cot over there, and all the dust everywhere, and that the coffee pot—well, I don’t even want to think about that!”

“Don’t worry. We have a way of doing things here—a method, if you will. We’ve broken in every Spieß we’ve had. Bet it’ll be the same with this new guy, too?”

“A method, huh?” said the Gefreiter.

“And how,” replied Bick confidently, Then he explained how the system worked in the Kompanie, and how the soldiers, and especially how he—Bick—were going to make things for the new Spieß.

Itching powder? Sawing the slats of the Spieß’s cot? Mice in his room? He’d never heard of such things! This ruffled the Gefreiter’s feathers! Of course, he also didn’t know that Bick was a little to free with creative storytelling either.

The Gefreiter shook the water off of his still-wet overcoat. “So you’re the brains behind all this stuff, huh?

Water drops flew everywhere, hitting Bick in the face. Wiping his face, he grinned. “You bet! Hey, I’ll bet you’re going to take off that wet overcoat, huh?”

The Gefreiter tried to shrug out of his overcoat. But it was too wet and heavy, and a little too small, to boot. Schütze Bick helped pull the sodden coat off, making bets the whole time. For example: “Bet that thing shrunk two sizes in the rain?” “Bet you’re the new radio operator in the comm. platoon?”

But the Gefreiter shook his head. “You lost all those bets there, buddy!” he said, and began laughing so hard that his sides hurt. “That tight overcoat—I just borrowed it before I came over here, and I’m most definitely not the new radio operator.”

“You’re not?” asked Bick nervously.

“Nope,” replied the Gefreiter, finally free of the overcoat with the Winkel on the left sleeve. As the silver rings on his Feldbluse sleeves became visible, the newcomer said cheerfully, “I’m the new Spieß.”

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:51 am

“Das Landser Buch,” page 100

“Can you believe it? My husband has just unexpectedly come home on leave!

“That’s wonderful news! How did you find out he was coming?

“He called me from the corner bar.”


“Das Landser Buch,” page 143

My neighbor in the next bed at the field hospital had been prescribed a medicinal drink that was supposed to be shaken before drinking. One day, I woke up and found him standing up next to his bed, and hopping up and down, first on one foot, than on the other. Alarmed, I asked him if he was in pain.

“Oh, no,” he answered, “I forgot to shake my medicine before I drank it, so I’m doing it now.”


“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 87, “Highest Respect.”

During sergeant’s time, the recruits receive a block of instruction on conduct during leave and pass.

Sergeant: “Well, Strobel, let’s say you’re on pass and walk into a restaurant. As you go through the door, you see your first sergeant sitting there eating dinner. What would you do?”

Strobel, “Sergeant, I would…uh…uh… do an immediate about face and find someplace else to eat???”


“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 35, “One more time.”

A newly formed Volkssturmkompanie was mustered for training on the rifle range. They were supposed to engage targets at 1000 meters. To the frustration of the training cadre, not a single round hit the targets.

So, the instructors ordered the men to fire at targets set at 800 meters. Again, not a single round hit the targets. Now, the instructors began to get red-faced!

The targets were moved to 600 meters with the same result. There wasn’t a single hole through any of the targets. And so it went at 500, 400, and 300 meters.

Now the senior army NCO was boiling with rage. “You guys can’t hit sh#t with your weapons!” he yelled to the assembled outfit. “So, let’s try a bayonet attack!”

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by Me-109 Jagdfleiger » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:10 pm

der alte Landser wrote:
“Drei, Vier, ein Witz!,” page 35, “One more time.”

A newly formed Volkssturmkompanie was mustered for training on the rifle range. They were supposed to engage targets at 1000 meters. To the frustration of the training cadre, not a single round hit the targets.

So, the instructors ordered the men to fire at targets set at 800 meters. Again, not a single round hit the targets. Now, the instructors began to get red-faced!

The targets were moved to 600 meters with the same result. There wasn’t a single hole through any of the targets. And so it went at 500, 400, and 300 meters.

Now the senior army NCO was boiling with rage. “You guys can’t hit sh#t with your weapons!” he yelled to the assembled outfit. “So, let’s try a bayonet attack!”

:shock: 1000M is a hell of a long ways away with a K-98 for a some one who has probaly little to no rilfe experiance, I own a 1944 K-98 and have shot 600yrd ~550M rilfe matches with it with iron sights which was good all rounds on paper, but I have tried 900yrd ~822M and its damn near impossible with iron sights, think i had 1 or 2 hits out of 10, the wind realy plays a huge factor... I could not even imagine 1000M with my K-98..
but anywho thanks for posting more great stories :[]
Jonathan
Cheers Jonathan,
Only the spirit of attack borne in a brave heart will bring success to any fighter aircraft, no matter how highly developed it may be.

— General Adolf Galland, Luftwaffe.

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