Humor in the Wehrmacht

General WWII era German military discussion that doesn't fit someplace more specific.
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der alte Landser
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Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:30 am

One of my areas of interest is humor in the Wehrmacht. I have the good fortune to own several books in the subject and thought I would share translations of some of the jokes, anecdotes and stories from these books.

This one is from page 28 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "One Shall Go."

"The company is formed up and the company commander has permission to send one soldier on leave. It's a tough decision for him and he says to his troops, "Well men, the laziest among you will get leave orders. That man step forward."

Every soldier in the company takes a step forward, except for one man, who stands all alone behind his comrades. The captain asks, "Well, why don't you take a step forward?"

The soldier assumes that position of attention and says, "Because I'm just too lazy, sir."

That soldier got to go on leave."


This next one is from page 23 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "The Thermometer and the Cold."

"Two soldiers are looking at a thermometer that goes from 50 degrees celsius down to 10 below zero celsius. One soldier says to the other, "Hmm, that's a stupid thermometer, definitely won't work here in Russia. How are we supposed to tell how cold it is when the temperature goes down to 40 below zero?"

"It's really simple," says the other soldier, "You just turn the thing upside down.""

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:38 am

This one is from page 88 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "Duty NCO."

"The duty NCO was making his nightly rounds in the barracks. From beneath the door of a barracks room, he saw a bright light shining out into the hallway. He yelled to the soldiers in the room, "Turn out that light!"

"But sergeant," one of the recruits replied from inside the room, "That's the moon shining through our window."

"Quiet in there!" the duty NCO thundered. "I don't give a damn what it is. Turn it out right now!""

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:08 am

This is a humorous story from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt." (1975, Munin Verlag) This is a great book full of anecdtoes and stories from former Waffen-SS soldiers. This little story is on page 50 and is entitled "Clip-Leader."

"The battery is formed up. The first sergeant is looking for a soldier who can cut hair to the exact length of a match stick. One of the recruits, a lad from the Siebenbürgen region, reports to the company headquarters. The first sergeant asks him, "Are you a trained barber, soldier?"

The young soldier replies, "No first sergeant, but I sheared sheep all the time back home.""


This is another humorous story from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt." It's on page 112 and is entitled "Pork Knuckle."

"On the way to the company, Corporal Deixler drove in his supply truck past the battalion commander. Later that evening, the commander showed up at the company and ordered Deixler, nicknamed "Tall Hans", to report to him.

"So, said the commander, "What's on the menu for dinner tonight?"

Deixler replied, I'll find out right away, sir." He ran over to the mess area and reported back to the Major, "Sir, tonight we're having canned blood sausage."

"Anything else, Deixler?"

"No sir," replied the corporal.

"Think hard about it, Deixler, is that really all there is for dinner?" asked the major.

"I'll go look again, sir," said Deixler.

"Good idea, and look hard this time."

After a good fifteen minutes, Deixler came back and served the battalion commander with a beautiful piece of spicy braised pork.

Cutting into his dinner, the major said, "See Deixler, I knew that there were some extra rations tonight. The next time you drive by me trying to hide a pig in the back of your truck, you should really do a better job at tying the legs together so they don't stick out from under the tarp.""

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:38 am

This next one is from page 88 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "Nicht auf den Mund gefallen."

"During sergeant's training one day, the unit is going over operation of the machinegun. Private Jung dozes off during the instruction. Soon, the sergeant yells him awake from his slumber.

The red-faced sergeant asks Jung, "Soldier!!! How does the sequence of firing go with this weapon?"

Private Jung replies: "Fabulous, sergeant!""


This next one is from page 89 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "Verzweiflung."

The day is terribly hot and it's been a long road march. The sergeant's temper is strained almost beyond reason because his troops — all greenhorns — are so lazy and unsoldierly. At a loss, the sergeant says, "What am I going to do with all you puny guys?"

One of the recruits, attempting to help his sergeant, says, "Right over there are a couple of nice shade trees, sergeant."

The sergeant finally loses his temper, "Yeah, I can see them, but I don't have any rope!"



This next one is from page 79 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "Die Hoffnung."

"During the invasion of Norway, a unit of Gebirgsjäger found itself on a troop transport far from land. Now these guys were from deep in Bavaria and completely unused to the pitching and rocking of the open sea. The seasick Xavier Stiegelmeier looked out over the tossing waves and asked his buddy miserably,

"Alois, is that land I can see over there?

"I wish it was, Xaverl, but it's just the horizon."

"Well that's good. It's better than nothing.""

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Sun Sep 13, 2009 5:43 pm

I'd like to know if folks are interested in this topic. If so, I can translate and post of more these.

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by Me-109 Jagdfleiger » Sun Sep 13, 2009 6:58 pm

HI landser,
I found these quite funny and thought they give a unique look at the soldiers perspective, sorry i did not post before when i first read these,
Jonathan
Cheers Jonathan,
Only the spirit of attack borne in a brave heart will bring success to any fighter aircraft, no matter how highly developed it may be.

— General Adolf Galland, Luftwaffe.

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by John W. Howard » Sun Sep 13, 2009 10:41 pm

I enjoyed them as well!! Post on!!
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by Tom Houlihan » Mon Sep 14, 2009 4:30 am

Please, continue!

These are quite humorous. I find it interesting how much of the attitudes are similar to different times, different armies.
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:17 am

Thanks for the feedback! Here's another one from "VB Feldpost #4", page 96. It's entitled, "But, Major."

The major had climbed into a Flak tower to inspect the alarm sentry:

"What would you do, soldier, if you were here on post and an enemy aircraft flew in at close range?"

"Sir, I would immediately sound the alarm bell!"

"If the alarm bell were broken, what would you do then?"

"Sir, I would yell as loud as I could, "Fliegeralarm, Fliegeralarm!"

"Well, what if your comrades were all sleeping especially soundly and couldn't hear you?"

"Sir, in that case, I would immediately jump in the gunner's seat, and open fire as soon as the enemy aircraft came into range."

"Outstanding! But what would you do when the first magazine of ammunition was expended?"

This question threw the poor sentry and he lost his military bearing as he stumbled for a correct answer. Somewhat doubtfully, he finally said, "But major, by that time time, wouldn't all the racket have woken up somebody else in my gun crew?"

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by sebastian » Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:45 am

good jokes,a little different than the humor that is going on now,but amusing!keep em coming :wink:
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Mon Sep 14, 2009 3:04 pm

Sebastian: yes, you're right. It was a different time.

This is a another humorous story from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt." (1975, Munin Verlag) This is a great book full of anecdotes and stories from former Waffen-SS soldiers. This little story is on page 109 and is entitled "Try It." Unfortunately, the little vignettes in this book only identify the author by his initials. This one is by "OP."

Papa Hausser was eating with two of his younger comrades. They ate quickly and finished before him. They asked Papa if it would disturb him if they smoked while he was eating.

His answer: "Unfortunately, I can't say, no one has ever tried it."


This is another little story about Papa Hausser from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt." (1975, Munin Verlag) This little story is on page 45 and is entitled "Reverse Side." The author is "OK."

It was in the officers' club in Freimann that a party big shot said to Gruppenführer Hausser: "That you are a reactionary, Herr General, one can tell by the shape of your nose."

Papa Hausser replied promptly: "Well, you should have a look at my ass and see what that tells you."



This is another little story about Papa Hausser from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt." (1975, Munin Verlag) There are quite a few stories about Hausser in this book and it's clear he was held in great affection by his troops. This little story is on page 39 and is entitled "Colleagues." The author is "OK."

Papa Hausser was visiting a company in the field. he walked up to a squad of his men lying behind a bush.

"What's your position?" he asked the first soldier.

"Rifleman number 1, Gruppenführer," came the reply.

He walked a bit further and asked the next soldier the same question.

"Rifleman number 2, Gruppenführer," came the reply.

He asked a third soldier, who had a pair of binoculars, what he did.

The reply: "Gruppenführer, Gruppenführer."

Papa Hausser said: "Well then, we're colleagues because so am I!"

Note: The German title for a squad leader was "Gruppenführer" as was the rank of an SS officer equivalent to a US major general.

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by Alex Dekker » Tue Sep 15, 2009 10:20 am

Very funny! Thanks for posting!
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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:37 am

This one is from VB-Feldpost #1, page 34. It's entitled "During induction."

Wastl had dirty feet. Perhaps he had forgotten to wash his feet before reporting for induction. I'd always had the suspicion that he used water sparingly. In any event, he was now standing there with his dirty feet among the inductees. The medic walked down the row and stopped in front of Wastl. Wrinkling his nose at my puzzled friend, the medic left and returned a short time later with a pan of water.

The medic gestured at the pan, and said, "Stand in this." Obediently, Wastl climbed in, standing there up to his ankles in water. The medic continued down the row and returned about five minutes later. He asked, "Any idea why I made you stand in water?" Wastl replied, "Nope."

A short while later, the doctor made an appearance, dressed in a white lab coat. As he passed down the row of inductees, Wastl grabbed his coat and tugged on the sleeve. He said proudly, "I figured out why I'm standing in this pan." With a watery grin, he continued, "You guys need me for the navy."


This one is from VB-Feldpost #4, page 51. It's entitled "Even the horses are coughing."

A teamster was explaining to a buddy what lazy horses his unit had. "See that brown horse there? He's the lead horse on my team. The day before yesterday he had a cough. So I gave him a drink of water with a shot of rum in it."

His buddy asked, "Did it help?"

The teamster replied, "Well yeah, but now the other horses are all coughing."



This one is from VB-Feldpost #4, page 51. It's entitled "Range commands."

Two Landser are lying next to an artillery battery in firing position. The guns are firing constantly. During each fire pause, an officer is giving range commands: 4600 — 4800—5000 —
"What's that guy counting?" the first grenadier asks.
His buddy joshes, "He's auctioning off the cannons."

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by der alte Landser » Thu Sep 17, 2009 2:05 pm

Here's a funny anecdote from page 78 of "Ein Tornister voll Humor" It's entitled "The Yelp."

One morning after first formation, Ferstl reports to the regimental aid station. He's had a toothache for three days and his cheek is swollen up. The dentist decides to have a look at the soldier, but Ferstl yelps loudly. Brusquely, the dentist says, "Why are you yelping like that soldier? I haven't even touched you!" "It isn't that sir," replies Ferstl, "you're standing on my toes."


From page 78 of "Ein Tornister voll Humor" it's untitled.

The radio crackles. "Are you receiving fire?" — "Roger" — "Losses?" — "Negative." — "Caliber?" — "No idea." — "What do you mean, no idea?" — "Well, when they were in the air, we couldn't measure them. Then when they landed, they disappeared in a puff."



From page 78 of "Ein Tornister voll Humor" it's entitled "Instructional hour."

Instructional hour.
Subject: Kaserne (barracks) orders
"What would you do when the Herr Feldwebel enters the barracks room?"
"The soldier who first sees him announces, "Achtung" — and all soldiers hurry to their lockers and stand at attention."
"And..."
"And the soldier on duty reports to the Feldwebel."
"Why does the soldier on duty report?"
"So that the Herr Feldwebel has somebody to yell at."

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Re: Humor in the Wehrmacht

Post by Me-109 Jagdfleiger » Thu Sep 17, 2009 2:10 pm

Some more funny stories, thank you again for posting :D
Jonathan :[]
Cheers Jonathan,
Only the spirit of attack borne in a brave heart will bring success to any fighter aircraft, no matter how highly developed it may be.

— General Adolf Galland, Luftwaffe.

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