Movie Cliches - Funny

[schwerepunkt]

Hi Guys.
Thought you'd appreciate these. The movie cliches book by the Suntimes Critic Roger Ebert started this. Funny and SO true.

WAR MOVIE CLICHES

§ You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

§ Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.

§ All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.

§ If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.

§ If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment

§ New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their names.

§ The hero's weapon is always different from everyone else’s.

§ Every unit has a "Scrounge" who can get you anything from an atomic bomb to a date with the general's daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch, or vice-versa.

§ The platoon sergeant never has a grenade on him, so he always asks someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth. (which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)

§ Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn't understand why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.

§ Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.

§ Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much much more to train and maintain.

§ Roger, wilco -- over and out. nuff said. Radio transmission are always improper.

§ The German Army always uses U. S. M48 Patton Tanks.

§ Training in the German army focuses primarily on running and shouting. All Wehrmacht soldiers are proficient at this. Shooting accuracy and fundamental squad level tactics are not seen as necessary.

§ Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless its old documentary footage.

§ The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy, rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out of the fox hole.

§ Foxholes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.

§ Only the "Japs" and the "VC" bother to use booby traps.

§ German soldier always wear immaculate grey uniforms and jack-boots, though these uniforms were pretty much phased out by mid 1943.

§ SS soldiers always wear their dress black uniform. Usually these troops are sadistic or mentally disturbed in some way.

§ The British Army is only allowed to fight in North Africa, and even then only elite forces like the LRDG and SAS are allowed to fight.

§ Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.

§ The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch + blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting knife[7 in blade], or airforce[5 1/2 in blade] survival knife. None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)

§ Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop there head out of trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like they did in World War One.

§ Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will alway get wiped out.

§ No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand still while the hero cries in agony and curse that "it should've been him" when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious within 45 seconds of becoming angry.

§ Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without difficulty, but not until half the unit has been wiped out.

§ Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles even though these vehicles don’t use keys.

§ If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.

§ Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something along the line of "I stepped in it but I've never ate it" or "if we feed this to the "krauts" we'd win the war tomorrow".

§ Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next day.

§ There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favours in return.

§ There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera pans across the blown up country side.

§ If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over. He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.

[Dackelstaffel]

Hi,

Agree with the grenade, in the army even with my two hands it was not easy to extract the pin. With the teeth it could be something like that :
- Take cover
- Why ? a grenade ?
- No just a denture.

[kanzel]

And remember, no German officer of any branch of service ever picks up a phone, he always has a flunky next to him that picks it up and hands it to him. No matter how urgent the call is he won't answer it himself.

And, a German officer always smokes a cigarette by holding it between his thumb and for finger.

[L. Kafka]

I was in military hospitals among the wounded in Vietnam in 1968 from Phu Bai to Danang to Cam Ranh Bay to Clark Field in the Philippines to Guam and never heard a infantryman cry out for his mother. I also never heard a marine infantryman wounded in the field cry out for his mama. This isn't to say no one ever did. But said emotion strikes as being another...cliche of war.

[Dasbootz]

I was in military hospitals among the wounded in Vietnam in 1968 from Phu Bai to Danang to Cam Ranh Bay to Clark Field in the Philippines to Guam and never heard a infantryman cry out for his mother. I also never heard a marine infantryman wounded in the field cry out for his mama. This isn't to say no one ever did. But said emotion strikes as being another...cliche of war.

Agreed. So much for dramatic statements but then again maybe its not far from the truth for all we know... eh?

[Metroid 2]

The german soldiers running around and yelling is my favorite one.

[Liam]

Don't forget the soundtrack cliches - In a Pacific war film doesn't a big gong sound every time a Jap soldier appears? Or at sea somebody starts playing a xylophone if a sailor uses a morse key or a signal lamp. And at some point there's going to be a snare drum and bugle - and maybe a bit of whistling thrown in. Any others?

[Dan Behr]

Dont forget the good old German sentry regiment of the deaf & blind !
Dan

[Liam]

That's right - and they would always get all fed-up and sentimental right before the commandos struck with the piano wire. "Ach how I miss Greta und ze children." "Vot's zat noise!" "Show yourselves!" "Arghhhhh...".

[Dan Behr]

they did it again ...SS running about shouting a lot !!!

And that old Jerry habit of running into the open , kneeling down for a shot !!! They used to do it a lot after teh Allies got away in avehicle !!!

Dan

[kanzel]

And whenever German infantry advance over an open field it must be very slowly and they must be packed very close together.