Jokes

[Alex Coles]

Helmut von Moltke, I clearly stated in MSN conversation that despite the fact you are allowed older posts, you are NOT going to post in my threads. You are violating a demand from me and I find that unfair.

[L. Kafka]

I really tied on a drunk last Friday night. I was hoping to get some rest on Saturday morning when I heard the doorbell.

I opened the front door and there stood a beautiful blonde with a set of grenades on her that could knock out a platoon of jerries and tommies.

I regained my composure and said, "By chance are you a Jehovah Witness?"

Her face went blank and she shrugged and then said, "Gee, I didn't even know there was an accident."

[Helmut Von Moltke]

*permission to post in 17th SS Panzer Grenadier's threads granted via PM*

Here is a hilarious one, but true. The U Boat ace 'Teddy' Suhren was returning from a U Boat journey to a German held port in France. As the U Boat neared the docks, Suhrer asked "are the nazis still in charge?" When the answer replied was yea, Suhren pretended to turn back the U Boat, to the hilarious laughter of the Kriegsmarine and U Boat crew ans sailors.

Kevin

[Annelie]

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[Nordwest]

Not a joke, but... http://www.theflasharchive.com/f/f-81.h ... 91df637b36


Michael

[Rodger Herbst]

People weren thier pews talking,suddenly Satan appeared,everyone rushed to the door,screaming,running over each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate,except one elderly man who sat calmly in his pew seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said"Don't you know who i am?"
The man replied,"Yep,sure do"
Arent you afraid of me? Satan asked
"Nope,sure ain't, said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word"? asked Satan
"Don't doubt it for a minute" answerd the old man in an even tone
"Did you know i could cause you profound horrifing AGONY for all eternity"
"Yep," was the calm reply
"And you're still not afraid" asked Satan
"Nope" said the old man
More than alittle perturbed,Satan asked"Well why aren't you afraid of me".
The man calmly replied,"Been married to your sister for 44 years"

[Nordwest]

Mueller trifft seinen Freund auf der Straße. "Wie geht's, wie geht's?" fragt er aufgeraeumt.

"Bandwurmmaessig!", antwortet der kurz angebunden.

Kopfschuettelnd meint Mueller: "Bandwurmmaessig? Wieso?"

"Ganz einfach, lieber Mueller! Man muß sich durch die braune Masse schlaengeln und aufpassen, dass man nicht abgefuehrt wird."

Source: http://www.dergoldenenazivampir.de/witze/witze.html


Michael

[haen2]

Two old men are sitting on a parkbench
One says; Hè, I just got myself some new hearingaids, and I can understand everything perectly again.
Great ! says his buddy, "What kind is it "?
"Twenty minutes past two" the other answered.
HN

[Nordwest]

...

[Sani116]

A Rabbi, a Catholic priest, an Englishman and an Irishman all walk into a bar....The barman says: What is this a joke?

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur
at the wheel on his way to an important address.

Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is
distracted, looking out the window at the countryside)
doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with
the car.


Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to
see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what
he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells
him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move
the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and
worry about it later.


All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly
good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about
the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to
discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler
whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know
what happened.


Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the
Chauffeur hurries back down the road.


Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of
sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.


Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him,
and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right.
I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and
knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this
sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and
let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young
daughter and then sent me on my way."


Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well
what exactly did you tell them?"


To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it
either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and
I killed the pig."

A Polish fighter pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the RAF during the battle of Britain.

"In 1941," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was out on patrol and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me and to the left of me, and another fokker to the right of me!! And I got round behind them and shot the first one down, and the second and the third, and I said: ahaha I have these fokkers!!"

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to uncontrolably giggle and the boys start to laugh out loud. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were Messerschmidts."

[Sani116]

DISCLAIMER - some of you might not find this one funny - its not meant to be politcally based, but it does get a chuckle from some people. Mods pls remove if too many people get offended by it.

A Jewish comedian in New York is on stage, ironically enough he is making satire about the Holocaust. He cracks a joke to warm the audiance up, "Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?' The children reply 'We are waiting for our parents.' " IMMEDIATLY a German member of the audience stands up, his face red and contorted with anger, he shouts out to the now meager comic: "You shouldnt make fun of the holocaust. My grandfather died at Auschwitz! He got drunk and fell out of a guardtower!"

[Rodger Herbst]

Only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with thier 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popscile and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put thier plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

Afew moments passed..."an ambulance just drove by" A few moments later"looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike"...Few moments later,"looks like the Sander's are moving". "Jason is on his skate board"...A few more moments, "The Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,"How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popscile too".